media bias

Because I enjoy being judgmental and righteous, I would like to establish some basic Facebook rules that I think all your FB friends will appreciate. I'm not saying I haven't done these things before, but I am saying that, currently, I am not doing them, which justifies everything. (Duh.)  If you believe I am talking about you, I probably am.

1. Avoid all shameless cries for attention.  If you have to say, "No, this isn't about you," more than once, then you have created a status update that is intentionally vague with the purpose of having people ask you what is wrong.  If you are in middle school, you are exempt from this because you obviously can't help yourself.
2. Check your spelling and grammar.  It doesn't need to be perfect, and by all means, a conversational tone is to be expected.  But, when you can't spell more than half of your sentence, you need to look that shit up.  The Internet has tools for you.
3. There is no need to tell everybody you are tired in the morning and going to sleep at night, unless you are going to elaborate.  Example: Do not say, "I'm tired."  Instead, try, "I'm tired because there are ghosts trying to have sex with me in my dreams."  That is something worth reading, thank you.
4.  Do not have a fight on Facebook.  You will always, always, always look like a total douche.  
5. I feel like this one goes without saying, but I think I need to say it -- stay away from taking bathroom mirror pictures.  We'll make exceptions sometimes, say if you just got a new haircut or recently had gastric bypass surgery, but for the most part your flagrant love for yourself is disturbing and gross.  Special note:  If you're half naked in your bathroom shot, you should probably not use social media at all.  We all know what happened to Tila Tequila, don't we?
6. Speaking of pictures, seventeen consecutive photos of a close-up of your face that basically look exactly the same in an album called "Me:)" is a waste of time for my eyes. 
7. If you're 30 or under and female (or a very progressive male,) keep your maiden name with your married name so that people know who the hell you are.  Unless you invited all your Facebook friends to the wedding, then, of course, do whatever you want, you bought those jerks dinner.
8. Oh, and while we're on relationships, if you're somebody who breaks up and makes up with the same person a lot, you don't have to keep changing your relationship status.  Just say "It's Complicated" and leave it alone. That's why Mark Zuckerberg made that an option -- for you.
9.   Yeah, that's not even true.
10. Every now and then take a look at your profile and reevaluate if this is the persona that you would like to share with the world.  If it is, then maybe I should just back away slowly and pretend I never knew you.  Oops.