media bias

Because I enjoy being judgmental and righteous, I would like to establish some basic Facebook rules that I think all your FB friends will appreciate. I'm not saying I haven't done these things before, but I am saying that, currently, I am not doing them, which justifies everything. (Duh.)  If you believe I am talking about you, I probably am.

1. Avoid all shameless cries for attention.  If you have to say, "No, this isn't about you," more than once, then you have created a status update that is intentionally vague with the purpose of having people ask you what is wrong.  If you are in middle school, you are exempt from this because you obviously can't help yourself.
2. Check your spelling and grammar.  It doesn't need to be perfect, and by all means, a conversational tone is to be expected.  But, when you can't spell more than half of your sentence, you need to look that shit up.  The Internet has tools for you.
3. There is no need to tell everybody you are tired in the morning and going to sleep at night, unless you are going to elaborate.  Example: Do not say, "I'm tired."  Instead, try, "I'm tired because there are ghosts trying to have sex with me in my dreams."  That is something worth reading, thank you.
4.  Do not have a fight on Facebook.  You will always, always, always look like a total douche.  
5. I feel like this one goes without saying, but I think I need to say it -- stay away from taking bathroom mirror pictures.  We'll make exceptions sometimes, say if you just got a new haircut or recently had gastric bypass surgery, but for the most part your flagrant love for yourself is disturbing and gross.  Special note:  If you're half naked in your bathroom shot, you should probably not use social media at all.  We all know what happened to Tila Tequila, don't we?
6. Speaking of pictures, seventeen consecutive photos of a close-up of your face that basically look exactly the same in an album called "Me:)" is a waste of time for my eyes. 
7. If you're 30 or under and female (or a very progressive male,) keep your maiden name with your married name so that people know who the hell you are.  Unless you invited all your Facebook friends to the wedding, then, of course, do whatever you want, you bought those jerks dinner.
8. Oh, and while we're on relationships, if you're somebody who breaks up and makes up with the same person a lot, you don't have to keep changing your relationship status.  Just say "It's Complicated" and leave it alone. That's why Mark Zuckerberg made that an option -- for you.
9.   Yeah, that's not even true.
10. Every now and then take a look at your profile and reevaluate if this is the persona that you would like to share with the world.  If it is, then maybe I should just back away slowly and pretend I never knew you.  Oops. 

lady bits exposed

Women love to be exploited. Actually, more than that, women love to denounce exploitation while they are vigorously, undeniably, being abused. When a politician talks about "womens' rights" or the "female issues" they are mainly referring to a woman's sex organs -- pregnancy, rape, abortion. These are not female issues. All these problems have something to do with -- even caused -- by men. These are simply human affairs, and yet the burden is almost always stacked on the shoulders of the female, while men concern themselves with greater matters like economic policy and international nuclear programs. The idea is to keep the lady folk spinning with talk of birth control and prenatal healthcare while the boys talk real business. Every now and then, there will be a political ad of a woman in her living room talking about how scared she is that her rights are being denied and the female population will nod in agreement and believe that their politician is on their side and defending their freedom. But, no. They are not defending their freedom. They are being used. Women are a campaign topic, but they are not worthy of presidential policy. As long as men believe that pregnancy, rape, and abortion are simply "womens' issues," and as long as men are the ones in positions of power, women will be exploited for their votes and for their vaginas. When educated, competent men continue to imply that rape is a consequence of being a woman or that abortion is only for sluts with no morals, and the country gasps and shakes its head for a day and then allows these people to stay in positions as decision-makers and representatives of our wants and needs -- that is the moment that the female agenda is completely exposed. We make for good controversy and a great headline on the morning talk shows, but ultimately, we are ignored and worse -- we believe we deserve it.